Okay… I’ve had images of the kits for a while now, but today was the official release day of the new kits, meaning that I can include press shots!

They added a red collar to the home kit, which I really like. I don’t know what to think about the new black kit, they look a bit like Man United’s away kit from two years ago. I liked the dark blue from last year much better, but the black kit might grow on me. What they did last year with the away kits was have red lettering for Champions League games and silver lettering for the Liga games. Silver on black? Please don’t do this.

What do you guys think?

July 13 - Colmenar-Atlético Madrid, after a week long training camp at Los Ángeles de San Rafael in Spain

July 20 - Benfica-Atlético Madrid, Lisbon, Portugal

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Amsterdam Tournament

July 24 - Ajax-Atlético Madrid

July 26 - Sunderland-Atlético Madrid

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Emirates Cup, London, England

August 1 - Arsenal-Atlético Madrid

August 2 - Paris Saint Germain-Atlético Madrid

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August 8 - Liverpool-Atlético Madrid, Anfield, Liverpool

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Trofeo Teresa Herrera

August 12-14 - Rivals Unknown, likely Deportivo La Coruna and others

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ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

There’s as much action currently at the Vicente Calderon board room as a drugged Steven Seagal in a wheelchair. My main news junkpiles, AS and Marca, have no idea what to write about either. Hell, they don’t have any stupid rumors to start, that’s how miserable they are. So here is my roundup of what’s up in the Atleti world.

Sergio Asenjo to Atletico

If you didn’t know, Asenjo is a goalkeeping prodigy currently playing for the Spain U-21 team in the Euro (well, they’re eliminated now). He plays for Valladolid, and he is so good that the likes of us, Fiorentina, and Barcelona have been on his nuts for a while. The thing is, he won’t go to just any team. Since he is young, he needs to go to a team where he will continuously get playing time, aka a team that is in dire need of a great keeper, and a team that is not Barca that will rot him in Copa del Rey hell.

Lo and behold, both of our goalkeepers are set to leave. Leo Franco is already gone and Gregory Coupet is already on his way to PSG. Perfect! Asenjo can be our number one, and we’ll promote our academy graduate Bernabé and those will be our two keepers for the next season. However, negotiations are still ongoing albeit almost complete and every story that I read about this translates to this: SOMEBODY CONFIRM THIS TRANSFER ALREADY DAMMIT.

Hurry up Asenjo

Leandro Cabrera transfer confirmed

Cabrera is an 18-year-old center back from Uruguay, currently playing for Defensor Sporting. I really don’t know what to say. Our first signing is an unproven 18 year old? Information on him is very scarce, and apparently Villarreal and Sevilla also gave offers, but if we want teenagers with potential, we have a perfectly good youth team to pick from. Maybe I’m just being a bit rough and he’s actually good enough to fight for his place with Pablo Ibanez. I don’t know. I really wanted another center back that was good enough to start. My personal pick is Marek Suchý, defender for Slavia Prague and a player that Ujfalusi had recommended the club sign.

José Antonio Reyes doesn’t want to come back

Reyes was loaned to Benfica and he loved it there. However, they didn’t give a good enough offer to Atletico to keep him and now he’s set to begin the preseason with us. Abel Resino doesn’t have him in the plans for next season, and Benfica does. It’s a sticky situation and I hope that if he does end up returning, Abel finds a role for him in the team. We need a new dish washer anyway, Ever Banega is already gone.

Man United want Kun Aguero

Now that they’re getting all that mad cash for Cristiano Ronaldo, Manchester United are focused on getting a replacement for Carlos Tevez, and they aren’t holding back on possible choices. Aguero is one of them, and Atletico is asking for 60 million euro, in other words “this price tag means that he’s staying here bitches! Unless…..”. Aguero is the man, and our future, but he is not worth 60 million yet. Stay away, we have a project to focus on.

Chelsea want Kun Aguero

Again, too much money for a player with lots left to prove.

Barca want Forlan

This rumor started when apparently, he and his people rented a house in Castelldefels, a town in the outskirts of Barcelona. Now this rumor is getting stronger by the day, and reports often claim that his agent has been having meetings with Barca sports director Txiki Bergiristrain (try saying that three times fast). This rumor actually makes sense: Barca want the Pichichi as a backup (or replacement) for Eto’o. Forlan isn’t cheap, and last time I checked he has a 36 million buyout clause.

Miguel de las Cuevas is transferred to Sporting Gijon

What do I say about this…. what do I say what do I say. Good luck? We hardly knew ye. Literally.

Messi wears a ridiculous Atlético jersey knockoff

splooge

I love Atlético, and obviously they haven’t touched their true potential all that often this season. Excellent players and excellent fans weren’t enough to motivate the team to make this season any less stressful and inconsistent. That’s why I need one more shot to give this bitching thing one last shot this season.

I already went over the good of this season, which was part one.

Now it’s time for part two…

So I present to you…. the Bad.

(crickets chirping)

Alright everyone, it’s only been nine days

(grunts and moans from the audience)

Some applause would be good right now.

(”Screw you Al!” is yelled from the back of the auditorium. Laughter ensues.)

Get that jerk out of here! Anyways… the awards.

Flop of the season: Nuno Maniche

Donut Colossus: what happened? It seemed like his return to Madrid was a rejuvenation and a way to make up for his flop at Inter the previous season, but his kickball-esque attempts on goal and big mouth pretty much ended his La Liga career.

He started off well, scoring the last goal in the 0-3 trounce of PSV in the beginning, and a few more goals from the midfield. But then his attempts at goal just became ridiculous. When the team was down goals, he would miss sitters and blast the ball into the stands. He still tried and tried, but his last hurrah was the first match against Porto. After this match, Maniche said in a press conference that Abel Resino “got his tactics against Porto all wrong” and just like that, FINISHED. He was constantly benched and left out of the roster…. and finally after not showing up to a game, his contract was terminated.

The season could have been sooooo much better, but Maniche wins flop of the season.

Honorable mention: Giourkas Seitaridis. He is a solid right back, and his crosses are very good, but Perea and Heitinga played much better in every aspect. Seitaridis also had some attitude problems, and he also didn’t show up to a game and was given his walking papers shortly after.

Worst section of the team: The Defense

An absolute given. The main reason the team had such inconsistent results all season.

It started with the 6-1 smashing by Barca. A week later, 1-2 loss to Real Madrid. A few months later, 3-0 by Valencia, then 2-4 by Osasuna, then 5-1 by Racing. And those are only the bad results that stand out.

We conceded 59 goals this season, nowhere near as bad as some teams, like Numancia’s 69 (huhuhuh).

The defense was faked out, outrun, and Leo Franco is the reason that we even landed 4th place. See: Valencia game.

I mean, our left and right backs do well, but the center is really iffy. Ujfalusi and Pablo/Perea are all solid, but they tend to be clumsy and slow in the box.

Honorable mention: N/A

Worst game of the season: 5-1 to Racing Santander

No video. Sorry. Don’t want to reminisce.

What makes this game the worst loss is the fact that it happened in a time of the season when there was nothing left to lose and the team was arguably in its best form all season. Unlike the 6-1 loss to Barca early in the season, in which the team was helpless against a team that had found their ground and was unstoppable (Messi’s scummy “free kick” didn’t help much either). Scorelines like these are what I refer to as rapeage.

Honorable mention: 2-4 loss to Osasuna. The fact that it was Osasuna we were facing at home is more than enough to justify.

Newest team on the Atletico “shit list”: Olympique de Marseille

I have nothing against them personally but the rest of the Atleti supporters have found a new enemy. Seriously, mailing death threats to the club? You guys are assholes, just like us. See you in the Champions League.

Honorable mention: Porto. There was really no problems between the two groups, but they still knocked us out of the Champions League, so they will make do with an honorable mention.

Worst way to win a game: Penalty for Kun Aguero’s dive against Valencia

Obviously not very proud of this. Aguero is way skilled but regardless of whether or not Cesar touched him in the box, there was no reason for Kun to have dived. And it wasn’t the only time he did it all game.

Want to be considered “world class” again? Don’t pull this crap again.

Most embarrassing picture of Kun Aguero leaked on the Internet: This one

Hehe.

Worst attempt to play as well as Diego Forlan: Sergio “Kun” Aguero

C’mon dude, what do you think you’re doing, you’re not even blonde.

(just kidding…)

Good season, Kun.

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So that does it for the awards. It’s been a rough season but at least the objective to qualify for the Champions League has been completed. The team should aim for much more, if you ask me.

See you all again soon…

(Audience boos. Chairs fly and one hits Al in the face.)

Instead of writing a long and boring review of the entire season, I’ll throw a little award ceremony, with booze and hot chicks included. Everyone invited. Bring your friends too, because I need to fill up these seats.

So ladies and gentlemen, I present….. the first annual Atlético Madrid Offside awards, The Good Edition. I’ll do my best not to give Forlan the award for every category, even the ones he doesn’t even belong to.

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*applause*

Thank you, thank you. I’ll get right down to business.

Best new signing: Johnny Heitinga

Surprise that I didn’t pick Tomas Ujfalusi, who was a fixed starter for pretty much the whole season. The thing is…. I see much more fire in Heitinga than many other players on the team, and he’ll do wonders for us in the next few years (three years left on his contract). At the beginning of the year, he was responsible for a couple of penalties that cost us a couple of points, because he was put at center back, his “natural” position which he is a little too clumsy in. Nothing against the Dutch, but defense isn’t usually their strongest point because the defense is always first and foremost the first line of attack. When Johnny was put as a right back against Barcelona he scored a goal in the first two minutes (and it was disallowed). Johnny is balls to the wall and the fact that he was signed to play as a center back is kinda funny, because he pretty much took Perea’s spot on the right and will probably stay there next season. A very, smart signing.

Honorable mention: Tomas Ujfalusi. On paper, a terrific signing, considering he was the captain of both Fiorentina and the Czech national team, and a versatile defender to boot. I wish the award could end in a tie… but whatever.

Defender of the year: Tomas Ujfalusi

Aha! See how Heitinga was the best signing but not the best defender? *point and smile*

*the audience laughs*

The center back spot was shaky to begin with, and every player that occupied it had a few slips all season, slips that have cost us important points. Ujfalusi was very solid this season but obviously, matches like the 6-1 against Barca and 5-1 against Racing couldn’t have been everybody but Ujo’s fault. Simply put, he wasn’t perfect but he did a great job. AUPA UJFALUSI

Honorable mention: Johnny Heitinga. He didn’t get the award because of the last-minute penalty against Real Madrid and Numancia. Still, an awesome player.

Midfielder of the year: Simao Sabrosa

He saved our asses way too many times this year, against the first Madrid derby (free kick) and the equalizer against Liverpool. He is the team’s genius. He had some iffy games but he could always be counted on for excellent crosses and set pieces. When he was on the field with Sinama-Pongolle which wasn’t often, it was almost always a guaranteed goal each game. His performance in the 4-4 against Villarreal was absolutely brilliant; that was his match of the year.

Honorable mention: Maxi Rodriguez. He is a cocky bastard, but that doesn’t make him a bad player. He played as Simao Lite, with decent crosses but way too many shots on goal that he couldn’t score. He doest he job but that’s about it. It’s no surprise that Sinama-Pongolle subbed him in a couple of games because Maxi isn’t untouchable like the rest of the attack force. His best game was surprisingly, as a striker, and that was away to Liverpool where he scored the 0-1.

Forward of the year: Diego Forlan. Do I have to explain myself?

Honorable mention: Sergio “Kun” Aguero. He was invisible for waaaay too many matches. Outshined by Forlan in everything. However, he shined in the 4-3 victory over Barca.

Keeper of the year: Leo Franco

This one is a given, as he was a fixed starter for almost the entire season. Had many great games and didn’t let us down.

Honorable mention: Gregory Coupet. I don’t know what to think. Coupet is class, and did more than enough to prove himself in the match away to Marseille, but Abel Resino definitely doesn’t believe in rotating keepers so he left Gregory on the bench. It’s a shame. Now that Leo Franco will be gone, I hope Gregory stays and becomes the main keeper for his remaining year here.

Match of the year: 4-3 against Barcelona

We were being battered by the greatest team in the world, goals from Henry and Messi and the score was 0-2. Immediately after Messi’s goal, Forlan completely owns Victor Valdes and begins the comeback. A Kun Aguero goal, an Henry goal, a Forlan penalty, a Puyol fuckup and another Aguero goal later, the game was ours. Phenomenal game.

And now… the moment we’ve all been waiting for.

Player of the year: Diego Martin Forlan, turning el Vicente Calderon gay since February 09

The man that singlehandedly saved our season. Forlan is king. When our team lacked that little bit of inspiration, he would put the team to shame and net a goal like it was nothing. It was a phenomenal season for Diego and assuming he stays for next season, he will be a real wrecking ball.

This is only part 1. Part 2: The Bad will be up soon. Stay in your seats, folks.

Because I’m a dork, I made a tally of the types of goals Forlan has scored this season.

Inside Box Goals: 19
Penalties: 6
Headers: 1
F*cking Rockets From Outside The Box: 6

We’ll need you next year, Diego.

AUPA FORLAN!!!

THE CHAAAAAAMPIOOOONS

He is growing but is he at the right place to keep on improving?

Aguero has been linked with many “big” clubs, such as Chelsea, Barcelona, Inter Milan (f*ck off Moratti), Real Madrid (who his dad apparently had talks with), and others.

It seems like Aguero will be staying here next season, and he never hides his love for Atleti (”it feels like I was born into this club”) but is it the right decision considering that he could become a talisman at an even bigger club?

On one side, all you have to do is look at a certain Fernando Torres. At Atlético, he was the captain, the symbol, and the man with the team’s weight on his shoulders, despite all the quality in the squad. All eyes were on Torres and shortly after witnessing Barcelona destroy Atletico 0-6 at home, he weighed his options and finally broke hearts by announcing his departure and heading to Liverpool.

Since leaving Atlético Madrid, Torres has flourished at Liverpool despite not winning one title with them. I don’t need to remind you of how awesome Torres is as a player, and how he is miles better since the day he scored his first Liverpool goal against Chelsea. Torres mentions countless times in the news about how much better the league in England is and he even once mentioned that Aguero needs to leave Atlético in order to get better. No argument against Torres’ departure, because it was a great decision.

On the contrary, things are a bit different than when Torres was here. You may believe that world class can only be shaped at a team like Liverpool, or Inter, or any other big club. However, realize that Atlético is also growing at a steady pace.

This is no longer the team that would battle it out in the middle of the table and hope for entrance to the Intertoto Cup or minor Copa Del Rey success. Atlético will be in the Champions League next season (assuming we earn a point on Saturday, then get past the third round, which shouldn’t be too hard) and if you’ve seen them this season, they were also undefeated in the Champions League. The entire team boasts quality in almost every position and despite some inconsistencies, only a few changes in mentality and roster could make this team one of the best in Europe. Mark my words.

Also, there is no pressure for Aguero to take the team to the top on his own. The heroics this season were split almost evenly between him, Forlan, and Simao. The team plays much better than in the Torres days and the fact that they are good enough to defeat the likes of Barcelona just shows that they are a team with true quality. Aguero is not too good for the team, and he is only one of many stars.

My point is, Atlético is a great team too, so Aguero is not in the wrong place.

But what do you think? Should he leave or stay?

Which choice is best for Kun Aguero?(opinion poll)

So Atlético pretty much killed Athletic Bilbao and pissed on their Copa del Rey wounds, but more importantly, they are almost forgiven for all the embarrassing losses and slips this season by the supporters.

Who has the heart to jeer and criticize these guys any more? The results that we expected from Resino are here, the team is a hair away from Champions League football, and Diego Forlan is number one in the Pichichi standings. Aside from the Barca fans, Atleti supporters are probably the happiest in Spain at the moment.

ATHLETIC BILBAO 1 - ATLETICO 4

So I can’t really write a legit review because almost all the TV coverage was centered around Barca vs. Osasuna (who wants to see Barca play in La Liga anyway, they don’t care anymore man, it’s just B team practice) and Villarreal vs. Valencia, so of course I couldn’t see the game.

As you can see from the game highlights, Forlan was the one that won the game for the team with this awesome hat trick. Much credit to Raul Garcia though, whose goal was an absolute beauty. The thing about Raul Garcia is that he doesn’t score often, but when he does it’s pretty much beautiful. He doesn’t have the drive that Maniche did but he does well in the center midfield role.

Thankfully, Athetic’s scariest player Fernando Llorente had a bad game, with a notable terrible miss in the second half. While we’re on the topic of bad games, Kun Aguero also had a few bad misses of his own. A bit of a shame, but we’re too in love with Forlan to get pissed at Kun. Both teams had about 15 shots on goal each, so it was an even affair unlike last weekend against Valencia. The only difference between both teams was El Uruguayo.

East in Castellón, Villarreal defeated Valencia 3-1 in the almighty derby, placing them two points behind us with a tricky away match left against the very solid Mallorca. That means, if we tie on points we’re still going through, (better head to head, better goal differential, more wins). Therefore….

One more point needed.

I can get quite cocky, as many of you know, but this isn’t the moment to think that we’re pretty much there. Next weekend, Almeria visits and their manager Hugo Sanchez wouldn’t mind sticking it to Atletico one more time (he done it enough as a player). We’re as prone to an embarrassing loss as before, but all we seriously need a draw. If we go full out next weekend, straight up good football, then the Champions League spot should be no problem.

As for the summer overhaul, Resino will be going nowhere if Atleti stay in 4th place at the end of the season. This makes me happy only because the rumored names being thrown around for the management spot piss me off, like Bernd Schuster (does this asshole have allegiance to any team?) and Quique Flores (just ask the Valencia lads what they think of him). I like Resino, he takes no crap and the team understands exactly what he wants. Aguirre was decent, but his time was completely up and now we have a more capable coach in the big seat.

In terms of new players, under our current president and chief, you never know what players they will bring in. It’s like a shot in the dark guessing game under these bozos.

Ladies and germs, the best striker in Madrid Spain:

Can’t wait til next weekend.

AUPA ATLETI!